The Bat Detective
by Windrises
Summary: A parody of Foodfight! starring Batman as Dex Dogtective, Poison Ivy as Lady X, and the Joker as Mr. Clipboard.


Note: Batman and DC are not owned and created by me. This story is dedicated to Bob Kane, Bill Finger, Adam West, and all of the wonderful people who have helped the Batman franchise.

Oswald Cobblepot was the owner of a grocery store called Gothamtropolis. He was unaware that the mascots of the store's products were alive and having adventures during the hours where the grocery store was closed. Mr. Cobblepot closed down the store for the night and said "Nothing ever happens at the store during nighttime." Suddenly chaotic things were happening around the store, but Mr. Cobblepot was too busy getting traffic tickets to notice that.

Bruce Batdetective was cereal mascot for bat cereal. In addition to advertising food he was a detective. He had various crimes to solve, because he was the smartest mascot in Gothamtropolis which isn't that big of an honor.

Bruce Batdetective arrived to save a basket full of rats from the Rat Catcher. The Rat Catcher said "I'm going to win this battle."

Bruce replied "I wish I had a bat gummy for every time a super villain's told me that." Bruce used a rope to save the rats and he used a different rope to catch the Rat Catcher.

After defeating the Rat Catcher Bruce was being interviewed. The reporter said "You've solved hundreds of crimes here. What's your secret ability?"

Bruce Batdetective replied "The secret's inside."

The reporter asked "What does that mean?"

Bruce got a little frustrated and said "It means you have to look for the secret inside of yourself. If the police wasn't so clueless I wouldn't have to solve every mystery for Commissioner Gordon." After Bruce's interview was over he was setting up his next date with Talia Greatness. Bruce wanted to propose to Talia, but he was scared of about how to tie the knot. After getting the knot in shoes tied Bruce felt ready to ask Talia to marry him.

A few minutes later Bruce and Talia met up with each other. Talia said "You seem nervous Bruce."

Bruce nervously replied "Thank you. Confidence is overrated when you have the feeling of Scarecrow's fear gas. There's something I want to ask you. Actually it's something I need to ask you, because I sure wouldn't ever want to ask this." Before he got propose to Talia his friend, Daredevil Nightwing, crashed his Batplane.

Talia said "Your poor friend probably got hurt. I better see if he's okay."

Bruce responded "Don't worry. That goofball's okay."

Talia said "I'm going to check up on him. I'll be back in a few minutes."

A few hours later Talia was still gone. Bruce asked "Where is she now?"

Daredevil Nightwing said "I don't know dude."

Bruce asked "Did you see her?"

Daredevil Nightwing said "I was wearing fake glasses so I couldn't see while flying."

Batman asked "Why were you wearing those?"

Daredevil Nightwing said "To make flying less safe and more fun."

Bruce screamed "Where's Talia and where's the trigger?!"

A few months a creepy clown that was carrying around a clipboard entered Gothamtropolis. His name was Mr. Clipclown. Mr. Clipclown said "Greetings Mr. Cobblepot. I'm the owner of Brand P."

Mr. Cobblepot responded "I haven't heard of Brand P. What is it?"

Mr. Clipclown said "Brand P makes the best plants any grocery store has ever seen."

Mr. Cobblepot asked "Do plants count as groceries?"

Mr. Clipclown said "Wait until you get a whiff of the plant toxins. They're truly addicting."

Mr. Cobblepot nervously responded "I'm sorry sir, but my grocery store doesn't have any room for plants."

Mr. Clipclown had a evil grin of his face while saying "I'll make space!" Mr. Clipclown walked around the store aisles, but his walk movements were unnatural and looked super weird. After almost falling to the ground a bunch of times Mr. Clipclown said "I'll get space for my plants by getting rid of what you don't need." He stomped on a bag of birdseed.

Mr. Cobblepot said "That was a perfectly fine bag of birdseed."

Mr. Clipclown responded "Survival of the fittest Cobblepot!"

Mr. Cobblepot had a sad look on his face as he grabbed the bag of birdseed. He said "Never opened, never enjoyed." Mr. Cobblepot decided to eat the stomped on birdseed to avoid wasting money.

Meanwhile Bruce Batdetective was having a dream where he had found Talia, but it was just a dream. There were reports about missing food mascots, but Bruce tried move on with his life by starting his own club called Bat Cookies and Milk. Bruce gobbled down cookies while still feeling sad about Talia. Suddenly a mysterious lady dressed in green came in. Her name was Lady Ivy. Bruce said "Hi. It's nice to meet you.

Lady Ivy replied "It's a honor to meet a hero like you Bruce Batdective."

Bruce said "I'm just a detective."

Lady Ivy replied "No. You're the most heroic detective around. Also you're quite handsome."

Bruce said "You're quite handsome too. Actually that's a weird thing to call a lady. You're quite handsoap. Actually you're not soap. Well you could be the mascot for soap."

Lady Ivy replied "I'm the mascot for Brand P, the master of plants."

Bruce said "I'm sorry to report that I haven't heard good things about Brand P. They're have been some rumors."

Lady Ivy replied "A award winning detective like you shouldn't be following silly rumors. A few bags of birdseed are a small price to pay for the safety of plants."

Detective Maximillus Bullock entered the club and said "We got more problems."

Bruce asked "Have more food mascots disappeared?"

Detective Bullock said "Over a dozen food mascots are gone. There's no proof of who did it, but the crimes did seem to start around the time Lady Ivy became a mascot here."

Lady Ivy tried to look friendly while asking "Would you ever think I would endanger the lives of my fellow food mascots?"

Bruce said "I'm not sure. I can't ignore my job as a detective anymore. I need to find out who's been hurting the food mascots. Remember that the secret's inside."

Lady Ivy asked "What does your catchphrase mean?"

Bruce said "I hate having to explain the obvious."

Meanwhile Mr. Cllipclown was replacing the stolen food mascots with Brand P prouducts. Mr. Clipclown said "There's nothing worse than seeing good food get bad poison. Thankfully I arrived in time to replace these silly products with Brand P." Mr. Clipclown did a evil laugh.

The next day Bruce Batdetective was doing some detective work to try to find out what's going on. Bruce said "It appears that the products that Mr. Clipclown has been delivering are poisonous plants. Brand P is poisoning the food mascots. That probably means Lady Ivy has a role in this evil scheme. I need to go find her and stop her before she tricks the rest of the food mascots."

Lady Ivy hosted a meeting about how to keep order around the city now that random mascots were being replaced. Several famous mascots were there including Clark Clean who's better known as Super Clean. Lady Ivy said "You don't need to worry anymore my fellow mascots. Plant P will protect from the dangers of this foolish grocery store." Some of Lady Ivy's plant henchmen entered the conference room.

Super Clean asked "What's going on?"

Lady Ivy said "You and the other dumb mascots were foolish enough to come to a conference hosted by your arch enemy."

Super Clean asked "Does that mean that you're the one who's been hurting the other food mascots?"

Lady Ivy said "Yeah. My poison filled kisses have been poisoning your friends. After I poison every food mascot in Gothamtropolis the humans will pass away from a lack of food and plants won't have to be worried about being hurt by any humans." Super Clean and the other food mascots tried to get away, but Lady Ivy and her henchmen trapped them.

Bruce Batdetective tried to hurry to the conference room, but everybody was gone by the time he got there. Bruce said "I'm going to start to work on my new plan."

Daredevil Nightwing asked "What's the new plan?"

Bruce said "Have the remaining food mascots meet up with me at my club."

Daredevil Nightwing replied "Okay dude."

About an hour later the food mascots came to Bruce Batdetective said "Lady Ivy seems to be the one who's using the Brand P products to poison the food mascots. I know that it seems too hard to win this battle, but I believe in all of you. The secret's not just inside of me. It's in all of you." The food mascots were motivated by Bruce's short speech to protect themselves from Lady Ivy's army. Suddenly a bunch of plant creatures broke into Bruce's club. Bruce smiled and said "It's time for a foodfight." The food mascots and the plant creatures battled each other. The plant creatures thought that they would easily win the battle, but the food mascots turned about to be braver and stronger than they thought they were.

Lady Ivy got a report that Bruce and the other food mascots were fighting against the plant creatures. Lady Ivy smiled and said "It's pathetic that Bruce thinks that his short speech can help motivate a entire team to stop my plant creatures. It's also pathetic that he thinks that food mascots are stronger than plants. It's time to probe how wrong that fool is." Lady Ivy sent a bigger army of plant creatures to attack the food mascots.

Bruce Batdective said "The army of plant creatures keep getting bigger, but so does the passion of my food mascots who refuse to ever give up." Bruce and the food mascots fought against the plant creatures harder. For a brief time the extra amount of plant creatures made Bruce's goal seem like something that would never be accomplished, but the bravery of his fellow food mascots helped Bruce win the battles with the plant creatures.

Bruce Batdective found a secret hideout that Lady Ivy had. He went inside of it and saw that Talia Greatness was in there. Bruce was surprised, but happy that Talia was still alive. However he was upset that Talia had been kidnapped by Lady Ivy. Bruce tried to save Talia, but she was being guarded by one of Lady Ivy's plant creatures. Bruce said "The determination of my batty heart will finish this plant." Bruce beat up the plant creature guard and grabbed Talia.

Talia said "I'm so glad to still be alive."

Bruce replied "I was worried that you died. For better or for worse you're still alive." Talia rolled her eyes after kissing Bruce.

Bruce met up with Daredevil Nightwing and said "Find Lady Ivy. It's time for me to stop her."

Daredevil Nightwing replied "Okay dude."

Suddenly Mr. Clipclown entered the food mascot's city and said "I'm the clown prince of recalls."

Bruce replied "I'm going to take of this freak board."

Mr. Clipclown walked up to Bruce and said "I'm going to stomp into a stuffed animal bat."

Bruce jokingly responded "I was hoping that you would say that."

Mr. Clipclown viciously said "I'm going to stomp all of your friends too!" Bruce and Detective Bullock used a rope to trip Mr. Clipclown. He crashed to the ground.

Bruce said "That was a pretty short fight. The battles between the hero and the villain are usually longer."

Bruce was surprised to find out that Mr. Clipclown was actually a robotic plant that was being controlled by Lady Ivy. Bruce asked "What's going on?"

Lady Ivy said "Plants have recalled for too many years so I made a robot plant to spread poison filled plants to this supermarket. I was going to be the master of plants and poison."

Bruce responded "Your plans expired."

Lady Ivy said "Then I'll have to get revenge by poisoning you." Lady Ivy tried to defeat Bruce, but Talia started beating up Lady Ivy. Lady Ivy tried to fight back, but Talia punched Lady Ivy across the supermarket.

Daredevil Nightwing said "Everybody in the supermarket is safe, because of you Bruce."

Bruce responded "Not just me. The secret's inside of Talia, you, and everybody." Bruce tapped Talia on the head and said "I have something moderately important to ask you: Will you marry me?"

Talia said "No thanks." Bruce frowned.


End file.
